My Birthday: Unwanted Gift

[necron2.0]

Today (10/20/08) is my birthday. No joke, I received the following in today's mail (Happy Freakin' Birthday to me, I guess):

http://members.cox.net/necron2.0/img/Cremation.JPG

[Bishop37]

I just fell of my chair.

The universe is in on the joke. ;)

[Commander Taggart]

So. Did you enter?

[necron2.0]

So. Did you enter?

Did I? No, but my wife entered me. She also asked me where the life insurance paperwork was.

[Commander Taggart]

Sleep well tonight, my friend. ;)

[Callipygian]

Don't feel bad. I've been receiving solicitations from the AARP for years. For those of you outside the USA, the AARP is a senior citizens organization.


Happy Birthday, Necron!

Calli

[Vanamonde]

Happy Birthday, Necron! http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h13/LordTeshima/4u.gif

I hope you enjoy your cremation. :p

[Dawg]

Happy Birthday, Necron.

Will there be a service?

I am
Dawg

[BST]

So. Did you enter?



Did I? No, but my wife entered me. She also asked me where the life insurance paperwork was.


Sounds like she's real "fired up" about it.

;)


Happy Birthday!!

:)

[necron2.0]

Actually, If I had my druthers, I'd want to be stuffed raw into a hole and have a tree planted on me (preferably an olive tree). Failing that, I'd want to be excarnated and have my bones made into an ossuary sculpture such as this (yes, this is for real. It's in a church in Prague):

http://www.wayfaring.info/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/kutna-hora-kostnice2.jpg

The absolute last thing I want to have happen to me is to have my body ghoulishly descecrated - cut open, with tubes run through my veins, sucking out the blood and pumping in some noxious alchemical potions - and then to be stuffed into a metal tube and buried like some sick time capsule for all eternity.
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[BST]

The absolute last thing I want to have happen to me is to have my body ghoulishly descecrated - cut open, with tubes run through my veins, sucking out the blood and pumping in some noxious alchemical potions - and then to be stuffed into a metal tube and buried like some sick time capsule for all eternity.
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Synonym: Embalmed

;)

[Commander Taggart]

Personally, I'd like to be placed in a photon torpedo casing and fired at the Genesis planet.

[Vanamonde]

Personally, I'd like to be placed in a photon torpedo casing and fired at the Genesis planet.
I hear that's expensive. :eek:

[Commander Taggart]

I hear that's expensive. :eek:

My life insurance should cover it.

[Bishop37]

Funeral pyre like Darth Vader in ROTJ.

[Vanamonde]

My life insurance should cover it.
You have a good policy.

[Callipygian]

Years ago, my husband and I agreed that whoever dies first will be cremated, and the survivor will sprinkle a little ash of the other into our annual federal tax returns.

Calli

[jewels]

Years ago, my husband and I agreed that whoever dies first will be cremated, and the survivor will sprinkle a little ash of the other into our annual federal tax returns.

Calli
:eek:

Planning to close the IRS for a thorough cleaning, provided they still exist in our 80s or 90s?

[Lara]

Actually, If I had my druthers, I'd want to be stuffed raw into a hole and have a tree planted on me (preferably an olive tree).
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Its legal and possible here, in fact we just got our first public 'natural' cemetery. You get put in the ground in no more than a shroud, they plant a reforestation tree over you and your name is added to a communual memorial at the front gates/ visitors facility.
More eco friendly than a traditional 'planting' :-)
(no olive tree as they are a weed in our state.. some sort of eucalypt is OK)

I said to my husband I'd be happy to get recycled that way and save the dilemma of where to put the ashes


Oh and BTW,
Belated happy birthday..

Cheers,
Lara

[necron2.0]

Years ago, my husband and I agreed that whoever dies first will be cremated, and the survivor will sprinkle a little ash of the other into our annual federal tax returns.

I know you're mostly kidding (at least I hope you are) but I'd refrain from giving that any serious thought, given the reaction most government agencies would have to finding a white powerdery substance in an envolope. ;)


no olive tree as they are a weed in our state.

Actually, that's why I want the olive tree - not because it's a weed per se, but because (like a weed) it's virtually indestructible. As I understand it, many of the olive trees from Jesus' day are still there. So, as a grave marker, it'd last far far longer than anything made out of rock or concrete.

[Callipygian]

I know you're mostly kidding (at least I hope you are) but I'd refrain from giving that any serious thought, given the reaction most government agencies would have to finding a white powerdery substance in an envolope. ;)
When we came up with this plan, it was in '98 or '99 before the first anthrax scare. The IRS was harassing us for money owed and threatening to shut down my husband's business. Now, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if his business is shut down, we would have less income, and hence, no means of paying them any money. This was also during the time that the IRS was claiming to be a new kinder, gentler IRS willing to negotiate with those who owed money. Our debt had started out relatively small, but they add penalties and interest onto penalties and interest until the figure grew in record time to be well above six figures. Our tax attorney was sure they would accept a lower counter offer, but they would not budge. Instead, we ended up paying the entire amount, not to mention the added fees from the tax attorney.

Since the IRS wanted our flesh and blood, the decision was made to grant their wish via our cremated ashes. Will we actually do it? Provided that all tax returns don't go digital, someday in the future you'll read or hear a news blurb about some crazy old man or woman who sent ashes to the IRS. And you'll smile.

Calli

[necron2.0]

When we came up with this plan, it was in '98 or '99 before the first anthrax scare. The IRS was harassing us for money owed and threatening to shut down my husband's business.

...

Since the IRS wanted our flesh and blood, the decision was made to grant their wish via our cremated ashes.

Bugger! Well, no one could say your cause wasn't justified.

OK, well then, I'd still advise you not to do it, and I certainly would not tell you how to do it, but (purely hypathetically speaking) here's how I might go about it, were I so inclined. First I wouldn't send ashes in a tax return. That'd just be begging to go to jail. I'd just send them in a plain box or document envelope.

Also, before starting anything, I'd get the contents of somebody else's discarded vacuum cleaner bag - preferably from a hotel or (best of all) a cleaning service after it's just cleaned an IRS office - something that's really dirty, evidence-wise. I'd pour the contents of the vacuum bag onto everything, and maybe mix some in with the cremated ashes. I'd wear latex gloves as I were putting everything together (putting the remains into the package, sealing the package/envelope, afixing stamps, etc.), and liberally run my gloved hands through the vacuum dust before doing anything. The idea here is ... I couldn't help but leave evidence behind, be it a hair, carpet fibers, skin flecks, whatever. So, instead of trying to be clean, I'd be dirty. I'd give them so much misleading evidence they could not legitimately trace anything back to me.

Oh, and I wouldn't lick any stamps, envelops, or anything that glues. In doing so, I would leave behind an uncontaminated sample of saliva. I'd just use a wet sponge (with some dust sprinkled on top, of course).

Finally, I'd travel to a different city than where I live to mail out the package, and I'd do it at a time of year (i.e. winter) and in a city (i.e. one that gets cold) where wearing gloves inside the post office wouldn't seem unusual at all.

Again, this is a purely hypothetical scenario. I would still strongly suggest against it.
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